reflecting on the variability of human connection
and discussing how these different relationships shaped me as a person
It wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it was deeper than that. A sense of belonging to a place I never knew I wanted but somehow always needed. It was a home that carried a heartbeat.” - Nikki Rowe
I’ve never really considered myself a “people person”.
As a pre-teen, I can recall feeling awkward within a majority of conversations. I would often feel inhibited, unable to express myself to the fullest due to my anxiety. Even now, when it comes to meeting new people, there are times when I find anxiety lingers in the periphery and I have to engage in multiple interactions with someone to eventually feel comfortable enough to let my guard down and let my personality shine through.
However, there have been few occurrences in my life when I’ve laid eyes on someone, and this innate sense washed over me - this knowledge that I could be myself with this person because something about them inherently made me feel safe. Even rarer is the experience of beginning to interact with this other person, hitting it off with them, and feeling charmed, unable to resist the invisible force drawing me in.
Labeling this feeling
Is it chemistry? A connection sparked between soul mates or twin flames? Maybe it’s a trick of the brain, pattern-matching, neurons firing whenever it happens to clock, oh let’s say as a random example, a tall slim boy with dark hair, within the vicinity.
The closest I’ve come to accurately labeling this experience is using the word “magnetism”, because it gets across the idea of this immediate electric pull that goes beyond what you see on the surface, without the connotation of there needing to be sexual attraction tied to the experience. Just like with any kind of attraction, this sort of allure is not always mutual and not always feasible to pursue. They are the fleeting moments that have people posting Missed Connections on Craigslist.
The first time I can recall experiencing the magnetic pull of another person, pursuing it beyond that initial connection and having it reciprocated, I was young. My identity still forming, when I met a girl who changed everything. Between us, there was always a sort of passionate burning that brought me to life even while it was setting me on fire.
I was like an artist in a manic state, having never felt more inspired, energetic, or impulsive than when I was talking to her or creating for her. The end of our relationship was akin to taking a meat cleaver to my creative jugular and all my will to engage in endeavors that made me feel clever and imaginative bled out from my body.
The time it took to heal from the impact of our combined actions and accept my experiences was also the time it took for my love for creating to return. Old activities and new activities are bringing me joy. It’s as though I’ve come back into myself and am human again, seeking out new connections and capable of nurturing healthy relationships. Sometimes the desire to guard my heart still reaches up through my throat. But I’m getting better at recognizing what I need now to fulfill my needs.
Systems patch: Love and belonging update
The ability to compare, contrast, and reflect on the “then” versus “now” has helped me realize my mental health sucked for a really long time. It was as though my body was set in “fight or flight” mode for so long that my nervous system had to complete a systems reset, turning off and then back on again. Everything deemed unnecessary for survival, like passion and zeal, fell dormant, to allow enough space for life to return to me.
It took time, trial, and error to seek out resources, create healthy routines, learn how not to give in to craving self-destruction, and lean into appropriate coping mechanisms. At the start, when things were beginning to shift from “bad all the fucking time” to “life and love are returning to me”, all I could focus on was just how happy and relieved I was to feel any semblance of normalcy and functionality again.
I feel like I had to work my way through Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and discovered that fervor is my next stop on the pyramid.
Bit by bit, I returned to myself, like a once broken bone, healed but stronger now. Able to foster healthier relationships in all forms and feel more and more capable of communicating, setting boundaries, and respecting boundaries. But it took a long time and a lot of gentle (and not-so-gentle) course-correcting to get to this point.
And into this new life, I settled.
It takes much willpower to learn from your history, rather than continue to repeat it.
I look back on my depression and angst as the worst and best time of my life. Yes, I’d never felt shittier. But I’d also never felt more creative. I think about this time when I feel nostalgic and yearn to re-introduce that “outside the box” type of thinking into my life, knowing full well that I have never been better and don’t want to go back.
Never did I consider that it would be possible to meet someone who triggered that magnetic, inspired feeling again. Neither had I realized I could still recognize the feeling - the ache and hunger that grows in your belly, twisting your insides until it’s too late to present you don’t feel it. But there it was.
I’d forgotten the intoxicating rush of experiencing naturally-induced euphoria and fervor. All at once I was hit with the familiar burn that welcomed me with open arms, beckoning me to be consumed in the same toxic way once more. Having dealt with this beast before, I should have known I wasn’t immune to temptation and the familiarity provided by old habits.
All at once the realizations hit me: I missed this. Missed the witty banter and nasea and feeling of being desire.
Inch by inch I shifted until I felt like I was sitting on a tire swing, spiraling a full 360 degrees through the air before planting my feet hard on the ground, asking myself:
What is the source of this spark?
My interactions with people?
Or is it already within me?
Seeking external validation
This experience had me reflecting on all my interactions and previous relationships. In both my romantic and platonic endeavors, I’ve tended to allow myself to be consumed by other people. Sometimes these people were uplifting, other times deceivingly shitty. But in most experiences, when I felt that magnetic pull, I also felt myself being lit up under the spotlight of their attention - often to the point that I would yearn for conversations with very specific people because it allowed me to pour gas over my personality and light a match. To be a little reckless and allow the experiences to become all-consuming.
So it makes me feel lucky that I just happened to meet someone, hit it off with them, and pursue this feeling with the right person. Because it morphed into something stable and gave me a safe space to explore why I am the way that I am.
Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it
Ten months older, I won't give in
Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it
- Taylor Swift, “Clean”
Like a moth drawn to flame
I still feel the faint beck and call of the burning that once consumed me. The siren song and promise of a sweet release - but only after giving in and spiraling just a little and little more out of control. It’s faded into the background and become easier to ignore.
For the longest time, I made the mistake of thinking being tempted at all meant I’d made no progress in breaking the cycle. But it’s not the cravings that are the mistake - it’s believing that we must set everything in our lives ablaze to feel alive once again.
I’m still trying to figure out what I can do for myself to return bits of this feeling without giving in to the cycle. To shift from seeking external validation and approval from others and rather to self-validate instead. This is a journey I am just beginning, but it’s reminded me to wake up, shake the dust off, and recall I am still capable of being set alight.
And this doesn’t require another person to provide it for me.
What brings you to life?
What are your thoughts on magnetism/attraction, approval seeking, and anything else that came to mind while reading this? Get vulnerable in the comment section (or don’t! Up to you!).
Until next time,
