Lost in the Crumbs: I Was Breadcrumbed for 8 Years

defining breadcrumbing & my story

definition

Breadcrumbing is a term used to describe harmful and manipulative behavior in dating and relationships where someone gives another person just enough attention to keep them interested without committing.

This can include sporadic flirty texts, social media interactions, or hints at meeting up without any follow-through.

Breadcrumbing can be intentional or unintentional and is designed to make someone dependent on the other person.

(source)

Notice that breadcrumbing can…

1. Occur within any relationship. This includes romantic relationships, friendships, family, online, within the professional setting, and much more.

2. Present itself through multiple different behaviors.

3. It can be intentional or unintentional.

why people breadcrumb

To seek attention. Some people need constant validation and attention to feel good about themselves. Alternatively, maybe they fear being alone. By breadcrumbing, this person can receive doses of attention and affirmation without the responsibility of a full commitment, and create a safety net of potential connections, preventing them from feeling alone.

To maintain control. Breadcrumbing allows the individual to control the relationship. With just the right amount of attention, they keep the other person invested but still get to decide the pace and depth of the relationship. Additionally, this may also be a defense mechanism to avoid putting themselves in a vulnerable position and protect themselves from potential rejection.

To avoid commitment. This person may also have unresolved issues from previous relationships or insecurities that commit to a relationship sound overwhelming. Or perhaps this commitment feels like losing freedom. Engaging in breadcrumbing means you get the attention of the relationship without the responsibilities or “limitations”.

To seek validation. The need for validation could stem from insecurities or needing an ego boost. Breadcrumbing can provide reassurance and provide feelings of power.

Breadcrumbing may also, but isn’t always, be associated with psychological factors such as having narcissistic tendencies. Many of the points above are narcissistic behaviors. While breadcrumbing is not always indicative of the individual being a narcissist, it is worth considering these connections when reflecting on behaviors within relationships.

signs of breadcrumbing

As it turns out, there are many ways that someone can breadcrumb. Here are just a few examples…

1. Inconsistent Communication

Such as infrequent texts that keep you just invested enough. Or frequently texting before disappearing and later resurfacing like nothing happened.

2. Reluctance to Define the Relationship

When you ask where you stand in the relationship, they dodge the question or give ambiguous answers. You may say: "Are we exclusive?" Their response might be: "I think labels just complicate things."

3. Emotional Distance

They keep conversations light and avoid discussing personal or emotional topics, maintaining a safe emotional distance. When you share something personal, they respond with a generic “That’s tough.”

4. Lack of Integration into Their Life

They don't introduce you to their friends or family and keep you separate from other aspects of their life. You suggest meeting their friends, and they say, “Maybe someday, no rush.”

5. General Lack of Transparency

They are secretive about their life and plans, making it hard to gauge their true intentions. You ask about their weekend, and they give a vague answer like, “Oh, just busy with stuff.”

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the impact of breadcrumbing: my story

initial encounter

From the age of 14 to 22, I was breadcrumbed.

The individual who breadcrumbed me was a long-distance, Internet friend. When we first started talking, I was elated to have met someone online. I was new to the Internet and didn’t know what to expect. But rather quickly, through email exchanges, social media, and constant conversation, I grew to be incredibly close with this person.

Before I knew it, we were ✨ best friends ✨, talking all day, every day.

the red flags:

They say that hindsight is 20/20 - and for me, hindsight allowed me to notice the blossoming bouquet of red flags that surrounded our relationship. Here are a few of the red flags I wished I’d seen:

🚩 Making vague plans & promises without following through

We would talk about meeting up in person constantly. To the point where it was a painful, strained topic. We both had restrictions as to why meeting up was difficult, but there were always excuses or plans falling through on their end.

🚩 Hot and cold behavior

They would be extremely affectionate and attentive one day - responding to every message, having conversations across multiple online platforms, and sending the sweetest messages with the most exquisite prose. On other days, they would barely acknowledge my existence. I’d sit by my phone, sound up to max, obsessively checking for notifications from them, with nothing to show for it.

🚩 Reluctance to define the relationship

Cycling between obsessive communication and bouts of silence made me question what we were to each other. Despite this, they were the person I felt the closest to and when I wanted to know where we stood, they would dodge the question.

🚩 Keeping multiple options open

During the relationship, they told me I was their only friend. I didn’t find out until after we finally ended things that they were interacting with several other people in a similar manner, as a way of keeping their options open without the commitment. The beautiful, flirty prose that I thought was just for me was also in the DMs and social media comments of other people.

emotional impact

I’m 26 now and still navigating my emotions regarding this relationship. When I reflect on this experience, I can recall the overwhelming mixture of confusion, frustration, hope, and disappointment that plagued me throughout the breadcrumbing cycle. My world felt most intact when we were communicating. When communication halted, I remember feeling extremely isolated. My life would slip into a holding pattern as I waited for them to get back to me. I’d imagine them living their best life and feeling this intense mixture of happiness - because I always wanted the best for them - and jealousy.

Because all I wanted was to be with them.

a visual of what the breadcrumbing cycle can look like

This cycle of hope and disappointment not only made it extremely difficult to move on, it affected my self-esteem and confidence (areas I was already struggling with as a young adult with social anxiety).

getting out

Multiple events contributed to my eventual ability to move on from this person. To put it simply, we had a falling out. But like everything else within the relationship, my actions were highlighted as being the catalyst for why they chose to end things - rather than it being a mutual agreement.

It took me getting out of the relationship to realize I was being breadcrumbed.

I carried the mixed bag of emotions from this 8-year relationship with me for a long time. For nearly at third of my life, I was convinced that because of my experience with them, I was a bad person.

It took me going to therapy and doing some deep work to realize that I was manipulated and breadcrumbed.

recovery and growth

I’ll be completely honest with you - every day is an opportunity I try to use to take one step forward in healing and regaining my confidence. Not solely due to being breadcrumbed, but life in general.

Lots of factors have helped me through this journey, including:

• Officially getting diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and taking medication.

• Pursuing counseling throughout graduate school and therapy post-graduation.

• Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I’m still working through emotional dysregulation and trauma. My self-esteem has days where it peaks and dips, and sometimes I can’t stand the thought of being around anyone because the pain is too much to handle. But with the support of my partner and friends, I am slowly learning to open myself up again.

lessons

Take what you need from this. Every day I reflect on my experiences, I find a new lesson hidden in the hurt. Today, it might look something like…

You simply can’t be everything to one person.

Tomorrow it might look like…

Not everyone will treat you the same way they did.

additional resources

I wouldn’t be in the position I am in today if it weren’t for my therapist. DBT and EMDR have done wonders to help me process so much trauma and Big Emotions related to being breadcrumbed. For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me. That I was undeserving of any relationship because I couldn’t make this one work. Upon reflection, I realize now that I was being manipulated, through no fault of my own, and I’ve been able to process so much internalized pain and self-loathing.

So for anyone struggling with similar experiences, or your mental health in general, here are some resources to get you started. I am in no way a mental health professional, so do what is best for you and your situation.

• Cleveland Clinic: How to Identify and Address Breadcrumbing

• Better Help: Therapy

• Psychology Today: Breadcrumbing

I hope you get the support and help you may need. <3

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author’s note

I made a note for myself that I should not share my experiences if I felt any sort of ill-intentions as I was writing it. I allowed myself to ride out my Big Emotions because that’s a natural reaction to reliving a traumatic relationship. But I knew if I had the intention of exposing or shit-talking the person who hurt me, then I still had some processing to do.

While my story has taken multiple forms as I tried to piece it together, from angry ramblings to hyper-specific examples, I can now say I am happy with the result. It feels incredible to be able to write this piece and reflect on my growth.

Thanks for reading my story. <3

Until next time,

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